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Monday, October 14th, 2002
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9:00 pm
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Leyan called yesterday! At first it was awkward, because although I guess I've met him, I haven't met met him. It's different online, people are different online, I am different online. He was the right combination of cute and witty and it was way cool. Leyan, you rock harder than synthetic diamond... That thing about the chairs and the bed orgying behind my back takes thought and I have concluded that they can orgy all they want as long as they're behaved when I sit on them.
current mood:  happy
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
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10:00 pm
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I'm amused my the fact that I can be "blindly popular" as coined by someone describing me. I'm amused at his reasons for saying so. His reasons were that i was an attractive, likeable, witty, female who can speak very well. that amuses me. it amuses me and astounds me that everyone here can be so nice...i really haven't met anyone whom i would describe as anything worse than annoying.We basically say hi to everyone we know. like for instance, just because you know somebody doesn't mean you'll like them, but here? we say hi very often. going between classes, i can say/get about 5 hi's per in between class period. its astoundingly strange.
current mood: puzzled
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| Monday, September 23rd, 2002
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8:30 pm
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I want somebody to love. Tamar, Judy, Rachel, Missy, I miss your affection. Now I'm the one who is clamoring for hugs and kisses. I feel like I took all that affection for granted because I don't know anyone here as well to just spontaneously tell them and love them and it makes my heart ache. After being spoiled by all that affection I miss itand i'm sorry i haven't hugged you and told you i loved you as much as i possibly can, i do and i love you all of you and missy, what do you want for your sweet sixteenth? That is what i'm looking forward to, to seeing all of you and being able to hug all of you so soon, its not too far, really its not, please let me go, please please please.
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| Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
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4:05 pm
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So the Dunbar dance was a couple of days ago and evening prayer was yesterday. You either have a boy or you don't. There is no in between. Yesterday was Evening Prayer and about half the girls in our dorm had dates and they came back flushed from the kisses and the hand holding. I want that so badly. Perhaps I'm just like that by nature, I need a lot of people around me because I get lonely really easily. It's not even the guy perhaps, it's just that sometimes I'm so lonely I can't deal with myself. I can't get away from myself for one week, I'm always there and my thoughts are and regardless of how hard i try to look at myself subjectively i can't. how do they do it? it's been a week and they're already loved. loved. loved. Send me emails, letters anything will do. something.
current mood: unloved
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| Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
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1:24 pm
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Exeteris beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. So incredibly...beautiful. The workload is also incredible...just not in that way...My math work is 8 problems a night and it takes me 2 hours...and cute guys abound (hooray) I'm so disciplined now that i feel insane. that is all, i love you all. and i'm getting used to remembering that phil is here as opposed to there. its weird.
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| Friday, August 30th, 2002
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9:21 pm
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I miss you all and I'd rather be there in a furious fight with you than here missing you all.
I'm wishing that I'm a better friend, that I know what to say, what to do, but I'm so imperfect...I wish that one of you would call and that I remembered to call you, what I wouldn't do just to argue about which teacher is the meanest with you energetically offering your opinion. By you I mean you all, all of you, whom I love very dearly. This is going to be another sappy entry I'm afraid. It's just that when I finished with the other one I didn't feel as content as I usually do when I'm done with an entry. There, that's how I feel, and I feel better for saying it. no, i feel worse, and worried, about how i'm ever going to find people as wonderful as you all are, wondering...I feel so lonely here. so very lonely...
current mood:  lonely
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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9:14 pm
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Tamar, I was reading your journal and reading about the things you've done and want to do and I was so sad, not for you because you're having a wonderful time, but because I miss you so. Waves and waves, and torrents and tsunamis of sadness because I'm here and you're there and I'm going to be elsewhere and you'll still be there. Was thinking that you me jono adhaar and matt used to hang together and now its just you, though you probably don't mind wink (jk). I miss you and love you and love you and love you and it's only when I don't think that I don't. You mention doing things with emily and everybody, and I'm so sad at being left out, not that i am really, just missing spending time with you, not berserk crazy time, but normal time even though we do berserk crazy stuff in our normal time. what will i do when i havne't got somebody to skip with me, or sing winter wonderland in the middle of june with, when i haven't somebody to cry with and to sing off key with although we can sing in key if we wish. Who will I make snow angels with? messed up, totally mutilated snow angels that got that way by us trying to stand up and then falling backwards...Who will give me food during class break and love anytime? I haven't yet met as spontaneous a hugger as you, and I doubt I ever will. sweetie, I so wish that you were here.
current mood:  sad
current music: winter wonderland
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 7th, 2002
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11:34 am
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I don't have the discipline to pledge allegiance to myself. To what, chides my subconscious? to yourself? How can you pledge allegiance to such a weak being? No discipline. I'm not dumb, I know, but I don't have the discipline to do anything that requires that much thought on my part. I could do better, I can do better, I know, but it's so much easier to get on as I have, lying on what I know and what I listen but not on what I study. stupid mess.
Playing is fun.
current mood:  anxious
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 8th, 2002
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10:08 pm
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Trip with Asian club. Not with All-of-Asia club mind you, only Eastern-Asian club, even though they don't mention that specifically. Not that i'm in the club, but for the sake of the trip i became a temporary member...for a day. There were so many asians around me I felt uncomfortable at first. What a strange feeling. I haven't seen so many since Chinese School, which i quit a while ago. Splish Splash was beyond fun, and I guess the Asians in our school aren't so bad. We caused a blockade by sheer mass of bodies and it was entertaining. Went down a water slide that was 5 to 6 times taller than my house. The angle that it was set at was around 60 degrees to the ground.it looked like a straight drop. I was floating for a while there. Too many Asians=scary=intimidating at first.
current mood:  tired
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| Friday, May 24th, 2002
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10:49 pm
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i love my tree. i love the way it gives a presence to the front of my house. i love how uncomfortable it is, and yet how at ease it puts me. when i'm away from my house, away from everything. it's strangely cold inside, and summery warm out. The rough bark of my tree and the downy leaves are a nice balance. and the canopy of leaves makes me feel sheltered although i'm in plain view.
current mood:  complacent
current music: book: the giving tree
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| Saturday, May 18th, 2002
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9:47 pm - I take the cake!
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I made the cake and I ate the cake!
current mood: happy
current music: happy birthday
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| Friday, May 17th, 2002
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10:23 pm
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i could just dieeeee for a guy with a really nice tenor or bass voice...
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| Friday, May 10th, 2002
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10:33 pm
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i love you tamar. i'm only mentioning this because i think that you've shown me so much love over days and weeks and months and years that i don't even have sufficient time to reply to it.
on a more comical side, lincoln is judy's lover.
current mood:  amused
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| Thursday, April 4th, 2002
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10:03 pm
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so many courses, so little time. if only i could take more...just to give you an idea, i have 80 something courses i want to take, but i can only take 45...
here comes a bad simile. be on your guard. it's like a giant puzzle that has 100 pieces, but there are 80 other pieces mixed in, that fit just as well and look just as nice when the puzzle is completed. and you don't want to waste those pieces, yet they can't make anything by themselves, and they're too appealing to be thrown away. sigh.
current mood:  annoyed
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
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9:16 pm
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i have so many people on my buddy list and i actually talk to so little of them. talking is defined as something more much more than hi, hey, what's up, nothing much, you, nothing much here either.
Leyan, you are most likely infinitely cool, but i can't get to you (not for lack of trying.) is bye all you can say?
current mood:  disappointed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 29th, 2002
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9:44 pm
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i need something to do. it's vacation, and i'm slightly bored. I'll gradually get more bored as vacation progresses and soon, i'll be wistfully thinking of school. sigh.
current mood:  bored
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
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8:52 pm
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i don't care if i sound superficial but seven people told me my hair looked cute yesterday and that made me happy!
current mood: happy
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| Sunday, March 24th, 2002
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9:07 pm
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life is rough. as rough as the terrain of the fibers of a lambwool carpet look to a black worker ant. that's what i am. i peer up at the daunting fibers. but the everlasting ringing of the queen's commands ring through my mind compelling me to climb over and cling onto the fibers. who is the queen that commands my day? what is this golden crown on my head?
emptiness. http://www.poemtree.com/Lie.htm does life cry the lie out to me?
current mood:  discontent
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| Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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4:44 pm
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This is the happiest day of my life! The extra anxiety I spent upon the thought of this only serves to fuel my DELIRIOUS HAPPINESS! I got into exeter! I'M GOING TO EXETER!I will be there this september! The moment I saw that over-bloated, obese envelope (it shouldn't even be called an envelope anymore) I was overcome by happiness. But, I was still cautious, because Lawrenceville's waitlist envelope was big (BUT NOT AS BIG.)I OPENED IT AND THE FOLDER HAD A STICKY LABLE AROUND IT THAT SAID CONGRATULATIONS! I ALMOST HAD A CARDIAC ARREST! I STARTED JUMPING UP AND DOWN...I'LL BE SINGING FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. i'm still expecting my alarm to sound in 10 minutes and then i'll wake up to thursday morning. i've already pinched myself twice. I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THE WORLD! I LOVE EXETER!
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: BLISTER IN THE SUN
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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3:18 pm
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i got my letters today. Anyone who has known me for any time at all would notice that there aren't any exclamation marks behind the "today". I want to cry. Fat squishy envelope, good. thin, anorexic envelope, bad. I got accepted at Taft, which i had been expecting anyway, so that wasn't much for me. I was wait-listed at lawrenceville. Lawrenceville! The one I thought I could use as my back-up in case Andover or Exeter didn't come through. Even though their letter said that they didn't wait-list many people, that doesn't make me feel much better. I got rejected by Andover, no biggie, i didn't expect to make it there anyway. But what makes me feel the worst is Lawrenceville. Exeter's letter didn't come. It's as if they knew I was pending their decision, so the evil they decided to prolong it to keep me in misery. Lawrenceville wait-listed me. Even if I eventually get accepted there I'll feel like leftovers. Too good to throw away, not good enough to eat when viewed with freshly-prepared food. It makes me feel so low, so small. I'm not enough for Lawrenceville. This makes me doubt how Exeter will receive me. I can only hope that I've been wait-listed there as well, I dare not hope for acceptance. Next time, I'll have low expectations, so I won't torture myself when high expectations fail. Maybe then I won't want to cry so much, maybe then I won't feel the tears welling up as I write. Maybe then I'll be jumping up and down in happiness instead of crying.
current mood:  crushed
current music: it's raining on prom night...
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faytamorgana's journal